Remembering new names. Setting up a new development environment. Where do I park? Beginning a role with a new company can be stressful. And beyond what’s written in the new hire docs, what are people really doing? Do devs leave on time or are they working late? Do they actually step away from their workstations for lunch or are they eating while they work? What’s implicitly expected? So many questions.

Choking

Here’s the big one for me at my new spot: Choking. Sometimes (mainly around a more senior developer who I’m unfamiliar with) I can feel each keystroke falter. My brainpower shifts from understanding code fragments and problem solving to worrying about typos and speed.

It’s taken me three days to get through (the majority of, at least) setting up my local development environment. The documentation was adequate but mistakes were made on my part. Luckily, I resolved most on my own so that some of my ignorance is still concealed ;). I have a knack for finding the edgiest of edge cases when it comes to installing and using software.

The Game

I’ve been writing code for three years now and I’ve been focused on front-end development for a little under two years. One thing I know for sure is that there’s no place for embarrassment if you want to learn. The more self-centered I am and the more apprehensive I feel the less I learn. It takes a lot of energy to worry about what other people are thinking. Even more when you decide to explain yourself or seek validation. It’s all a bunch of mind games and the only one playing is you.

This post is more for me to acknowledge my fears and move on. I have tremendous anxiety that I started coding too late and I’m not fast or focused enough to compensate for it. But as my new boss told me the other day, the only person with expectations here is me. I don’t think he’s wrong. I’ve got huge expectations for myself and I probably expect them unreasonably quickly. And the more time I spend concerned that others are already judging me a failure isn’t helping me realize those expectations.